We had our second doctor appointment this morning, wherein we were able to finally meet the doctor (it's a collaborative practice) that made us switch to this practice. We're in an office with midwives and doctors and at a hospital that allows midwives to have delivery rights. I am so thankful for this opportunity, since I'm trying for a VBAC this time around, and the philosophy of this practice fits right in with what I am looking for.
The appointment started off well, with a decent weigh in, especially after my big huge breakfast at Kerbey Lane prior to...I'll be eating post-weigh-in from now on! We met the doctor and immediately liked her - she is fun and passionate and takes the right things seriously and laughs about the rest. Luke has the week off of work, so he and Avery tagged along for the appointment so we could all hear the baby's heartbeat. I'm thinking Avery can stay with a babysitter next time though, because she was NOT on her best behavior. Ugh, I dread doing that again. I think it scared her to see me laying on a table while someone she didn't know poked around at my stomach.
So then, the scariest 3 minutes I've felt in a really, really long time. Avery was so distracting that it was hard to really focus on what was going on, but the doctor's face kept looking more and more worried. She kept checking my pulse against the heartbeat that she was hearing, and kept determining that the only heartbeat she was hearing was MY heartbeat, and that it was getting faster. I told her that yes, of course it is, she's starting to worry me. To which she replied, "Let's rush you over to ultrasound right now, because I'm not comfortable with what's going on right now." Hard praying. Trusting. Barely time to worry because Avery was crying, but Luke and I looked at each other for a moment as we gathered our stuff to head next door. Up on the table, machine flipped on quickly, doctor still looking worried, Avery still crying, me still praying.
I've been reading this book, One Thousand Gifts, you have to check it out. It's amazing. I'll go into it more later. But the past couple of chapters I've read were so applicable to today. It's easy to trust when things are going well, when life is easy, and it's easy to say, "Yes, I trust You, Lord, of course I do," after the fact if things turn out the way you hoped. Yet, is it so easy to say Yes when you're experiencing the hard joy? What is the hard joy? Finding joy still, even with life's down moments, the hard moments. The author is much more eloquent than I am. Can I trust even in the hard joy? Can I confidently say that God is good when life seems bad?
As soon as the screen came up, the doctor said that there was definitely a baby in there. But my mind was still yelling for more answers. Less than 30 seconds later, yes, the baby is fine, she says, there's the heartbeat, the baby is dancing away. We left joyful, relieved. For today, for the moment, we don't have to find out what the hard joy is like. If that day comes, when that day comes, may we face it with grace.
And now, as I sit and type, I'm just starting to process what all happened, what all of this could have meant, because life is always unsure from our viewpoint. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by grace, overwhelmed by joy and sadness and hope and stress. Praise God that He is ever constant.
And praise! We have two new pictures of our baby, an unexpected blessing.